dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
she peed on how many people?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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