mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
