At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
