So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
