Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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