In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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