You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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