...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
