I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
