I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
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My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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