The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
