You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
