Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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