I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
