you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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