if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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