U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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