We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
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