Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
