dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Randomize
