she woke up with a sticky ear
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
