he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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