Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
