if you like me you must not know who I am
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
