that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
