I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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