every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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