If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
