Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Randomize
