I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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