Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
did i just pee glitter
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
