You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
