I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
