I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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