she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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