Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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