I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
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