Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
