My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
