I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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