I can text with my tongue
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Acid is not a monday night drug
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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