My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
