I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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