i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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