and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
