You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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