I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
