your parents love me but you hate me
Define "chronic" masturbator.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
