i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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