EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
