mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
im holly from the hills drunk
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
