I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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