He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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