So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
