How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
