i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
