just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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