if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
