u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
