I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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