I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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