Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
