Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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