just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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